Depression

So I am getting to that point again, that point where I am just ready to break down and cry..

I was a suicidal person back in high school..I was committed...

Got help and been ok....

But now, thats a different story...I am thinking about it again. Really thinking about it. Pills would be easy but a pain in the ass. I mean any thing with Penicilline or a form of it I could get easily at home from my sisters medical medicine and pop two or three, saying I thought they were asprine or anything for my cronic migrains and then I would and could die.. I am allergic to that sort of stuff.

But then I think about my family and friends who depend on me and I stop myself from lifting that pill to my lips and swollowing it whole. To feel the throat and airways close. It could be so easy to just sufficate and suffer. But who cares.. Who would even know? My mother? Sure...she would just get what money I have and be happy.

I could do it at 9 pm at night. Thats when I 'hybernate' to my room for the night. To get away from everybody and have a small stiff drink. Nobody bothers to look in on me after then or even talk to me.. It would be so sweet. Nobody would even know I was gone until the next night and I would be long gone and drifted off soo sweet.

Sorry i am venting, its stupid but I am.. just depressed.. I could now call my blog
Vicktoria's Depression Train.. that would be appropriate as well..

Until next time

This is

Vicktoria's Life

Blasted Heat...stop Frying ME

All this blasted heat can go away....For the last 8 consecutive days it has been in the high 90's and the humidity in the triple digits. I can't stand it and its Frying My BRAIN... which is something I need for school. I am taking summer/spring college classes and I beleive i HAVE COME to my wits end with my brain.

Three years straight of college. Non stop and I am burnt out. But I cant take a break now, not yet. I want to .. I really really want to. No I dont think you get it, I need it from my mind from people and from life. I have done nothing with my life the past three years except study and run my brain ragged.

Perhaps I will see about next summer/spring take a break from life and school.. What do you my readers think??

Thats all for now

This is

Vicktoria's LiFe

Have to wake up in 5 hours and CANT SLEEP

Do you guies all know what its like? When you have to wake up at a certain time in the morining and you just cant sleep!!

Thats how it is for me right this moment..  I have to be up in just about five hours but for some crazy reason my body is saying its still early..its hot and sticky in this room OR the beds just not comfortable enough..Thats how it is for me.. But I really need and want it.. I have a two and a half hour drive comming up and its not fair...

O think im going to be very grumpy and ya'll are not going to want to deal with me.. actually I dont want to deal with me when I am that cranky ... I maybe yelling NEED COFFEE.. like a blasted zombie..

Well.. eyes are getting forced shut..

xoxoxo

This is all for now..

Vicktoria's Life

My Friend's Death

A few days ago on Sunday the 3rd of July my good friend died.. With her a bit of myself died.. It was burried with her beneith the earth..Blanketed for the sands of time..
I did not go and say goodbye..I did not even understand.. It happened so quickly.. I was just texting her hours before..I wake up and she is gone..
I am not sure if thats how its supposed to be.. that someone who was so full of life and happiness should be ripped from this place, then someone told me "God only takes the best"

Well that would be comforting to some but not me. I don't really beleive in 'God' I beleive in a 'god' and 'goddess' but not 'God'. So I cannot really be soothed by the demented vails that some rightous being took my friend because she was the best of the best.. How could anyone be content with that thought? It seems to be tought for me. Just to grasp that concept. I go see her facebook page daily.. more than once a day and just hope to see her post on it. I even text her phone ..mostly without thinking about it and realize later that she wont be answering me anymore.

I actually thinking of her right now I went on her facebook and wrote on her wall.. I think if her page remained there for a long while I could somehow deal until it eased, but thats a long way off you know. So I guess for now this is my other solice...

For now

This is Vicktoria's Life

Perspective

Well everyone knows how I am, I am not the brightest color in the coloring box, but then again if you have been following my blog you would also know a little bit about me and my life. Lets see, I am the second oldest of 15 kids and no I am not complaining... I love each and every single one of the them...Yes some more than others but usually more or less, they are all equal...

Then others of you would know how I feel about my dad..yes the one who left when I was young, left my mom with three kids to run off with some fluzie..nothing against her now either..they are divorced.. My dad is now on his fourth marraige including my mother in twenty 21 years and I hope this one is the winner..I like her...

But there are always things in your life that make you reevaluate everything you ever thought and felt..Yes my dad lives over three hundred miles away..yes he never comes and sees me or my sister.. but he is good to my new 10 step brothers and sisters.. I have been to come see him a few times sence he remarried and I must say he is trying.. Alot.. I mean yesterday he painted my toe nails.. not very well mind you but well enought for a man.. LOL..

Comming to my dad's house helps me think alot of things out, and with the resent death of my very good friend of 20 years it puts things in perspective .. dont you think? There are 10 kids at my dad's house and even amungst all the hard times I have time to sit out and relax and even think many things through. If I can just pull myself together and think positive I can be a better person.. No I am a better person..

I am who I am..I cannot be anyone or anything else.. Thats all I know.. If I was going to bow down and let others take control of me I would have done so a long time ago..But I am a bit stronger than that.. I am .. Well I am not Sam....I am Vicktoria ..

This is all for now

So until next time

This is Vicktoria's Life

Poems!!

Well what I thought about doing is posting a bit of my poetry on here and see what you folks think...So here it is:

I've paid a price and I'll keep paying

My heart is like an unfinished song

It has no beat, no pulse, just love

Love for the one who does no care

Just a hug or caress thats not fair

If I told them my heart was theirs

Would they care or would it just burn

If love has a meaning please tell me now

The heart wants what it wants and it's telling me how

To march right up and tell them

Tell them I am theirs on this earth

But I am scared, this pain inside

If they deny me I could just die

But I will force myself to tell this friend

That I will love them till the end

If they reject me I will scream

Inside my heart will bleed

In the end it's a price I must pay

I will pay it day by day

Until the pain stips or my body doth lie

I will keep paying this payment until I say goodbye

Death

I find death to be an evil mistress

One to reap and take your soul

She is illustrious in her taking

A simple sad melody

Yet she takes all things unfreely

A becon to the black mists of night

An unloving heart with a blackened soul

But without death there is no life

Death...

What a powerful word

One to make you cry

One to make you loose all sence of control

But where would we be without it?

Little minions running rabbid

My heart breaks

My soul bleeds

I am her's for the take

A simple person with no essence but her own

But to snuff out the candle and ther eis no more light

Should I be this free?

Oh but who art thee?

The one who comes like a darkened shape

To hover over ones bed late into the night

Or swipe us from the ones we love in the blinding sun light

Death is my mistress

I owe her my heartach

I owe her my soul to take

She has taken all I love

She has taken my everything

But in the end she leaves me something

A peice of solice to take the pain

Like water down the drain

But there she is

My dark Mother

The one whom takes all

The one whom shall call me home

The one I fear

There are two of my poems, will update more later...Just let me know what you think...

MY AmaZing SisTer

Ok, so my journey started about three years ago when my little sister turned 16. She was the all American girl, played all kinds of sports, was a great student and hardly ever got sick. But on the day of her sweet  16 all that changed.
Her best friend and I took her out to dinner, a yearly treat that we do for eachother... We were like bestfriends.. all three of us. Even if I was older then both of them.
Well dinner went fine, we had applebees like we do for all of our birthdays. We left the resteraunt and went accross the street to Burger King where my boyfriend worked at the time and wrote all over his car with lipstick..but before we finnished, my sister started falling to the ground and screaming, clutching her stomach...
We thought maybe it was the food.. So we drove home fast..But by that time she was in so much pain she could not stand.. We all had to lift her out of one car and into another. At the hospital they pumped her full of pain killers ever 25 minutes. Thinking it was her appendix we prepared to go by ambulance to a different hospital for emergancy surgury. But upon arriving at the hospital, they had already had her tests and looked them over and said that was not the problem.
So we went back home..But it continued getting worse..Until one day she was going to the bathroom and my mom and I heard a thud.. Running in there we found her on the floor... not breathing and unresponsive..
Well she died that night 2 times in my arms and I gave her CPR.. she had a 25 minute unresponsive seizure on the way to the hospital..and the paramedics were going to give up on her. But they gave her one last shock and she came to.
That was all two years ago..........................................
A year after that happened they finnaly did exporatory sergery and found out she had Endometriosis and vericos vains on the linning of her uterus .. but nobody knows why she has seizures....
But now, three years later all the things are continuing to get worse.. we have been to over 100 different doctors and still nothing..Its always tests.... but no answers...
Its getting worse and I have no telling when I may or may not lose my baby sister for good.. I cant do that.. I just cant.. I would give everything in my whole body to make sure she lives.. even if it ment my death.....

SOOO embarassing

So today I was sitting in my second poetry class and I felt like an idiot.. my freaking SKYPE..answered itself and my volume was up loud..WELLL.. one of my friends on there decided to yell outloud at the very momeny it answered the call.."I WANT TO FUCK HER...OVER A CHAIR""

Goodness I thought I was going to die.. it was soo embarassing..it was to the point that I FROZE.. then tried to search my entire computer for a damn mute button.. It was crazy.... by time I had unfroze my entire class had heard what was said.. I thought I could have died..

But now..an hour latter it is FUCKIN' ho-lar-ious!!


For now..

This is...

VICKTORIA'S life

Music

So Music has always had this special part in my life, actually it seems to be my entire life....
I don't know what to say about it, its just all that makes me alive...You can catch me singing while I walk through a random store while shopping. I cannot drive down the road without music playing. It really is an obcession.

I don't know what it is about music, it gets me throught the hard times, the happy and well any other ones. I guess if you asked me to sing I would be kind of embarrassed at first but then I would 'man up' and sing just about anything. Actually as im writing this im listening to a band I was just turned on to...The Scene Aesthetic.. really really good.. .. check them out on Youtube... You wont be disapointed thats for sure.

I look at myself in the mirror and see a differnt and unique individual who is absolutly addicted to music and her future in it. I sing constantly and its my biggest passion. I can see myself on stage and singing infront of an audiance and well those whom I know will have front row seats.. people cheering me on..

Yes I have a huge twang in my speaking voice..but my singing voice is dramatically different...the twang is only there if i am singing country..which i enjoy..but most say my voice is a bit rock a bit blues and a bit soul.. (ha ha  a white girl with some soul)

But well I guess I will add more to this latter

for now

this is Vicktoria's Life

Thoughts

I am sitting here at college and am actually in a stupid class. But I keep thinking about how much I want to be home and all that stupidness. Like woundering who has updated their facebook pages and what its about, who is dating who and so on so forth. But I never seem to have time slowing down and thinking over things that I do.

See I had to write this paper in my Poetry class, well my second poetry class seeing as I have two right in a row with the same teacher, but they are differnt classes. Well we had to choose a poem from our book to evaluate and write a paper about. Well I choose "The Garden Of Proserpine" by Algernon Swineburne and I only really chose it because it had to do with Greek Mythology and I enjoy that subject alot. Also because it was a long poem I figured I could write more on it. Well in the long run I could only write less. Sucks for me, now I have to write it over again..but on a different poem of course.

Then today in Psychology class some boys sitting next to me, whom I really dont know are actually still in High School but are taking some classes here. Well they were asking if people thought they were handsome...I really did not know how to answer that correctly seeing as they are little high school students who even though are 18 (yes I asked to see their id's) still made me feel like I was talking dirty to a little kid. (shakes my head) What a terrible thought.

I dont really know where this one is going, just a bunch of thughts going through my head. Like my amazing neice Reagean in the hospital.. sooo sad.. she is only 5 months old and they have no clue whats wrong with her.

My mind is a little scattered and sad because its a crappy day, because the weather is rediculas and crummy.. everyone says its going to snow again, but the sad part is, its spring.. no snow please.. I dont know I quit for now..

once again

Its Vicktoria's Life

Psychology Class

Well I thought you came to college to learn, right? Well thats far from what MY Psychology class does. Everyone just talks the entire hour away and my teacher just decides to endulge them. So he continues talking right along with them. It really irks me!

Would you want to go to that class? Not really I came here to learn, im taking this class because its part of what I am trying to major  in. And now they are talking about 'eating grandma'... yea...thats differnt, but who can explain this class. I am actually sitting in it right this second. And of course typing away like a crazy person who's fingers cannot stop moving, yet my teacher does not even notice... If thats a teacher can all mine be like this one...

Were only like seven chapters into the book in 9 weeks of our 14 week semester. I think that is actually pretty slow sence I failed this class last semester and my class by week 5 was on chapter 11 and that class only meet once a week for 14 weeks on monday nights from 6-9. Whereas this class im in now meets M-W-F for 14 weeks and its from 12:40-1:40..so its an hour class and were learning nothing. Rediculas!!

Well thats all there is to say...

until I post again...

it's Vicktoria's Life

My Family

     OK so I am the second oldest of 15 children and the oldest of three blood children though who is to say what is blood...preferably not me. My parents have been divorced for well most of my life. I was in kindergarten when it happened. But oh well. Dad has been married now three times and hopefully the third time is the charm but the only problem is she has 10 kids and all live with them in a tiny four and a half bedroom house with my little brother and and dad and step mom. That's alot of people in one house. Then my older half sister lives in Georgia with her kids and husband. My other half sister lives in Georgia as well and goes to college, she's not much older than I am but I like her all in all. I also have my mom and my other sister who I live with.
    My dad is a deadbeat who lives off the state and just don't care. He has four kids that came from his 'loins' yet he takes little interest in our lives except when he wants something. That's how it has always been unfortunately. I think he has only been to one event of mine my whole life. What an ass. Though the reasons were never good ones, like he was at work or something though he used those excuses. He was out sleeping with my first step mom. But thats old news because he has my new one and I like this one. She listens. But dad, he never listens, everything is a joke to him and I dont get that. When you try to have a serious converstation he just jokes about it and infuriates you. Man does he make you mad. I think thats something about him I hate even more then the fact that he is not a real dad, he gets under your skin and he is abusive. I will admit I am scared to death of him. My dad, if I can call him that, is shallow and egotistical. A man who only thinks about himself and his dick. Yes one who thinks if he don't have a women to wait on him hand a foot then he is lost. I personally do not understand that because I don't beleive in that bull but he does.

   There is my mom, yes she is the rock in my house. She sacrifices so much for my sister and I. As you see my mom makes everything possible. Though I will admit she is a crabby and complete bitch at times she is still my mom. She always makes sure I have whatever I want in my life even like going to school or my musical endevors. She has alot on her plate though and I understand that and I know I dont help her much with the pain I cause in her ass. But I do love her! She has bad choices in men though I think she just found the right one and she is going to let him walk away like an idiot all because she is afraid someone is going to treat her nice. But thats my mom a hard ass.

  Now my little sister is the all around PERFECT kid, ok well in looks she is. Perfect blond hair, big blue eyes, and beautiful. But she is my baby... At 18 years old she is a great student and loves life when she is not sick. See my sister got sick when she was 16 and has died countless times on me and is still going through hell. But she is strong like our mom! Thats why I call her perfect. Yes she has her attidue problems and much more but she really is a spectacular friend and sister. We may fight and all but we get on ok. She always calls me when she needs me and or has a problem even if she is not feeling well. I worry over her so much but Thats life, right? She is like a little muricle.

  My brother has had his MANY problems in life but he is now making up for them. He joined the military!! It has made his life and him all the better. I love my baby brother though he is a big boy now and a good guy. He sticks up for his family and has grown up alot. But I'm not sure whatelse to say except he still has alot of growing to do...

   I guess then their is me... I am plain and just normal. Alone in this world I think...But I am just going to go through my days doing what I want...What I want is to sing and write and make my imprint on this world before I leave it. Yes a little over weight ... ok alot over weight. But thats what happens to some.. I could blame it on genetics but thats just not what it is. It's me! I work hard but I just get too over whelmed with things and forget to care. But I do about my looks for the most part.

   Well I guess thats it.... some more about me

Home

  Well things happen on a cold winter day...Do they not? I sit on this blog of mine while my perfect little sister and her boyfriend of a year and some change snuggle together in her bed and slowly drift off to sleep. I sometimes wish that could be me. Not the curled up in her bed part, I have my own of course, but being with someone part. It seems I have been single so much this year that I'm stuck in a rut of sorts.

   Well I guess I should be lucky to have my life and health right? I guess that's a good thing to have. But for once it would be fun to someone to curl up with and just cry on their shoulder when things are going horribly wrong which seems alot as of late. But I guess I am just doomed to sit forever behind this computer and write to my hearts content. Though that may not seem to enjoyable to many of you out there. But I presume its alright by me.

  Not to say I have not had boyfriends, that of course I have had. And all of them through the years just seemed to come on to that creep factor that so many people begin to have. Maybe I should have named my blog Vicktoria's Lonely Life...it would have been more perceptible to others I believe. But that's all done and over now, its just part of who I am.

  But winter break from college life does have its up side like sleeping in till however late you wish. Unless you have a crazy nagging mother who calls you constantly to wake you up and have you do so many things for her. Yes that is my mom. Or a sister who is always home or not home you never know when she is going to be gone. Then there is the sucky part. Never having anything to do that occupies your mind. That's my problem. I have no boyfriend to speak of and all my friends are either back in school or have no car to drive. So I just sit her and watch that white fluffy stuff fall on the ground and blanket the earth. Yes that is what I am watching now. The snow fall again!

  It seems that all I can do is blog, read, and write, well and of course wait for school to start again. School seems to set my mind at ease, something to concentrate on. Though I guess being board comes with the territory of living in a small town. I will tell you that you can look at my town once and think its sweet and charming and yes it is. Quiet and old. But there are many things here that I believe makes up my town which just happens to be bars and funeral homes. So more or less drink and die..that's all it is here.. You will spend your whole life stuck!

   Wow I think I'm just babbling on now and I'm sorry for that so back on topic I go...

    Yup I am home and my sister's boyfriend just left and we had pizza. Mmmmm... and of course for me coffee goes excellent with anything. So that's what I will sip on as I write this to you. Perhaps later I will curl up with a good book, one that I have of course read a bazillion times. I need new material. But for now I write. Oh and Tyra..she is an amazing women .. But she is talking bout Love and using the current president and first lady as role models for love..But is that love?? Or are they putting on a front?? Love comes from many things in life, not just money and sex. It's companionship and friendship that helps those things go along. Or that is just my opinion. Not that it matters.

  Now I am going to start something new..

Facebook Dance

  We all do the dance. The one to stay connected of just be heard. Even I seem to be captivated by its alluring charm.

   A way to connect with lost friends and stay in touch with new. Everyone is fascinated by FACEBOOK...
  
   Even I am sucked into its pull, forever logging in and out just to see what's the Buzz. Some just publicize their relationships and others their feelings and some just use it to put out the word. Then there are the ones who use it for gatherings such as, "Hagar bar tonight!! Who wants to drink??"

  It's just an endless stream of thoughts and emotions. So why are we constantly checking our pages or those of others?

  Even just this moment I re logged back into facebook to see if anyone commented on my page. Pretty pathetic Hun? I think so as well, but it is a habit that even I have trouble breaking. I wounder if Tom Anderson (the guy who created myspace) or Mark Zuckerberg (the guy who created facebook) has the same problems?? I bet they do, and if they don't maybe they are the ones with the serious problem.

   I am not sure but being connected all day just seems in may ways tiring which it is of course speaking from personal experience. There are so many cyber bullies, and just mean people out there and then the ones sending you friend requests that you don't even know. I mean if you don't know me when are you adding me?? Go pick on someone else...Right??

  Well I guess just give me your opinions. My mind is a bit frazzled at this moment...with the cat crying every 5 seconds in my ear.. I think a cup of coffee is in order to help this blogger's mind ease for a bit.. until then....

Me

     Well a little about me, my name is Vicktoria and I am a gal from a small town in Michigan. I have never actually had a normal life, but many people say that. See I come from a majorly disfunctional family. My mother and my birthfather had me out of love or so she said but before dad found out mom was pregnent they split and mom met my adoptive dad and they started dating. Soon after, he thought I was his child and though my mother knew the truth she never said anything even after my birthdad showed up at the hospital after I was born and knew I was his. He said, " She is to white to be my child." My dad is mexican and my mom is german so that took in account for my pale complexion. But after he said that my mom swore never to let me find out and think anything other from my adoptive dad, and hid some things from me that I did not notice until I was older. Like the fact that I had two legal last names and one was my dads and the other was my 'dads'. But other then that my life seemed peachy keen.
    As I grew up my parents got a divorce and went their seperate ways. Though dad decided not to mention that he was cheating on mom with another women then decided to leave mom and marry the witch.. I was perpetually desterbed by the thought. See I knew they were splitting up and to make matters worse dad wanted my brother his only son to come live with him. He didn't want anything to do with his two daughters that he put through HELL.
  Well though that just seems like a pain he married that women and my mom met a few guies and dated around a bit but nothing to major until she got engaged to John P. L. (I wont use his whole name ), and things on both sides became completly lost and crazy. She had this new man to apease and my dad was doing everything to BUY his children's love. John was a crazy guy, though good to us all at first then he continued to drink and dissapear. Once he was gone for two months and it was halloween, mom was going to a party with some friends and sent me to a 'mutual' friends house down the road. I was great until HE called and said he was comming over, he scared me into commng home with him and the whole walk home he talked crap about mom. Then he tried to sleep with me, in a sexual manner. I had to be at least 12 and scared out of my mind. Then came the night he tried to kill us and I called the cops.. But im not going to get into that much.
   Then my dad and step mom divorced and he had himself commited while my baby brother lived there, and then he kept hooking up and seeing lots of people. And now he is married once more to a women with 10 kids and he cares about them more then us. I don't know im just explaining .. But yea so mom is single, my sister is dating a black guy who everyone loves and some people that were raised racist in the old days dont like the mixing in races but they respect him enough not to say it to his face. And I, well I have been with some guies but never the right one.. Maybe it will happen and maybe not..who knows..
All I can say is This is MY LIFE..