Depression

So I am getting to that point again, that point where I am just ready to break down and cry..

I was a suicidal person back in high school..I was committed...

Got help and been ok....

But now, thats a different story...I am thinking about it again. Really thinking about it. Pills would be easy but a pain in the ass. I mean any thing with Penicilline or a form of it I could get easily at home from my sisters medical medicine and pop two or three, saying I thought they were asprine or anything for my cronic migrains and then I would and could die.. I am allergic to that sort of stuff.

But then I think about my family and friends who depend on me and I stop myself from lifting that pill to my lips and swollowing it whole. To feel the throat and airways close. It could be so easy to just sufficate and suffer. But who cares.. Who would even know? My mother? Sure...she would just get what money I have and be happy.

I could do it at 9 pm at night. Thats when I 'hybernate' to my room for the night. To get away from everybody and have a small stiff drink. Nobody bothers to look in on me after then or even talk to me.. It would be so sweet. Nobody would even know I was gone until the next night and I would be long gone and drifted off soo sweet.

Sorry i am venting, its stupid but I am.. just depressed.. I could now call my blog
Vicktoria's Depression Train.. that would be appropriate as well..

Until next time

This is

Vicktoria's Life

Blasted Heat...stop Frying ME

All this blasted heat can go away....For the last 8 consecutive days it has been in the high 90's and the humidity in the triple digits. I can't stand it and its Frying My BRAIN... which is something I need for school. I am taking summer/spring college classes and I beleive i HAVE COME to my wits end with my brain.

Three years straight of college. Non stop and I am burnt out. But I cant take a break now, not yet. I want to .. I really really want to. No I dont think you get it, I need it from my mind from people and from life. I have done nothing with my life the past three years except study and run my brain ragged.

Perhaps I will see about next summer/spring take a break from life and school.. What do you my readers think??

Thats all for now

This is

Vicktoria's LiFe

Have to wake up in 5 hours and CANT SLEEP

Do you guies all know what its like? When you have to wake up at a certain time in the morining and you just cant sleep!!

Thats how it is for me right this moment..  I have to be up in just about five hours but for some crazy reason my body is saying its still early..its hot and sticky in this room OR the beds just not comfortable enough..Thats how it is for me.. But I really need and want it.. I have a two and a half hour drive comming up and its not fair...

O think im going to be very grumpy and ya'll are not going to want to deal with me.. actually I dont want to deal with me when I am that cranky ... I maybe yelling NEED COFFEE.. like a blasted zombie..

Well.. eyes are getting forced shut..

xoxoxo

This is all for now..

Vicktoria's Life

My Friend's Death

A few days ago on Sunday the 3rd of July my good friend died.. With her a bit of myself died.. It was burried with her beneith the earth..Blanketed for the sands of time..
I did not go and say goodbye..I did not even understand.. It happened so quickly.. I was just texting her hours before..I wake up and she is gone..
I am not sure if thats how its supposed to be.. that someone who was so full of life and happiness should be ripped from this place, then someone told me "God only takes the best"

Well that would be comforting to some but not me. I don't really beleive in 'God' I beleive in a 'god' and 'goddess' but not 'God'. So I cannot really be soothed by the demented vails that some rightous being took my friend because she was the best of the best.. How could anyone be content with that thought? It seems to be tought for me. Just to grasp that concept. I go see her facebook page daily.. more than once a day and just hope to see her post on it. I even text her phone ..mostly without thinking about it and realize later that she wont be answering me anymore.

I actually thinking of her right now I went on her facebook and wrote on her wall.. I think if her page remained there for a long while I could somehow deal until it eased, but thats a long way off you know. So I guess for now this is my other solice...

For now

This is Vicktoria's Life

Perspective

Well everyone knows how I am, I am not the brightest color in the coloring box, but then again if you have been following my blog you would also know a little bit about me and my life. Lets see, I am the second oldest of 15 kids and no I am not complaining... I love each and every single one of the them...Yes some more than others but usually more or less, they are all equal...

Then others of you would know how I feel about my dad..yes the one who left when I was young, left my mom with three kids to run off with some fluzie..nothing against her now either..they are divorced.. My dad is now on his fourth marraige including my mother in twenty 21 years and I hope this one is the winner..I like her...

But there are always things in your life that make you reevaluate everything you ever thought and felt..Yes my dad lives over three hundred miles away..yes he never comes and sees me or my sister.. but he is good to my new 10 step brothers and sisters.. I have been to come see him a few times sence he remarried and I must say he is trying.. Alot.. I mean yesterday he painted my toe nails.. not very well mind you but well enought for a man.. LOL..

Comming to my dad's house helps me think alot of things out, and with the resent death of my very good friend of 20 years it puts things in perspective .. dont you think? There are 10 kids at my dad's house and even amungst all the hard times I have time to sit out and relax and even think many things through. If I can just pull myself together and think positive I can be a better person.. No I am a better person..

I am who I am..I cannot be anyone or anything else.. Thats all I know.. If I was going to bow down and let others take control of me I would have done so a long time ago..But I am a bit stronger than that.. I am .. Well I am not Sam....I am Vicktoria ..

This is all for now

So until next time

This is Vicktoria's Life

Poems!!

Well what I thought about doing is posting a bit of my poetry on here and see what you folks think...So here it is:

I've paid a price and I'll keep paying

My heart is like an unfinished song

It has no beat, no pulse, just love

Love for the one who does no care

Just a hug or caress thats not fair

If I told them my heart was theirs

Would they care or would it just burn

If love has a meaning please tell me now

The heart wants what it wants and it's telling me how

To march right up and tell them

Tell them I am theirs on this earth

But I am scared, this pain inside

If they deny me I could just die

But I will force myself to tell this friend

That I will love them till the end

If they reject me I will scream

Inside my heart will bleed

In the end it's a price I must pay

I will pay it day by day

Until the pain stips or my body doth lie

I will keep paying this payment until I say goodbye

Death

I find death to be an evil mistress

One to reap and take your soul

She is illustrious in her taking

A simple sad melody

Yet she takes all things unfreely

A becon to the black mists of night

An unloving heart with a blackened soul

But without death there is no life

Death...

What a powerful word

One to make you cry

One to make you loose all sence of control

But where would we be without it?

Little minions running rabbid

My heart breaks

My soul bleeds

I am her's for the take

A simple person with no essence but her own

But to snuff out the candle and ther eis no more light

Should I be this free?

Oh but who art thee?

The one who comes like a darkened shape

To hover over ones bed late into the night

Or swipe us from the ones we love in the blinding sun light

Death is my mistress

I owe her my heartach

I owe her my soul to take

She has taken all I love

She has taken my everything

But in the end she leaves me something

A peice of solice to take the pain

Like water down the drain

But there she is

My dark Mother

The one whom takes all

The one whom shall call me home

The one I fear

There are two of my poems, will update more later...Just let me know what you think...

MY AmaZing SisTer

Ok, so my journey started about three years ago when my little sister turned 16. She was the all American girl, played all kinds of sports, was a great student and hardly ever got sick. But on the day of her sweet  16 all that changed.
Her best friend and I took her out to dinner, a yearly treat that we do for eachother... We were like bestfriends.. all three of us. Even if I was older then both of them.
Well dinner went fine, we had applebees like we do for all of our birthdays. We left the resteraunt and went accross the street to Burger King where my boyfriend worked at the time and wrote all over his car with lipstick..but before we finnished, my sister started falling to the ground and screaming, clutching her stomach...
We thought maybe it was the food.. So we drove home fast..But by that time she was in so much pain she could not stand.. We all had to lift her out of one car and into another. At the hospital they pumped her full of pain killers ever 25 minutes. Thinking it was her appendix we prepared to go by ambulance to a different hospital for emergancy surgury. But upon arriving at the hospital, they had already had her tests and looked them over and said that was not the problem.
So we went back home..But it continued getting worse..Until one day she was going to the bathroom and my mom and I heard a thud.. Running in there we found her on the floor... not breathing and unresponsive..
Well she died that night 2 times in my arms and I gave her CPR.. she had a 25 minute unresponsive seizure on the way to the hospital..and the paramedics were going to give up on her. But they gave her one last shock and she came to.
That was all two years ago..........................................
A year after that happened they finnaly did exporatory sergery and found out she had Endometriosis and vericos vains on the linning of her uterus .. but nobody knows why she has seizures....
But now, three years later all the things are continuing to get worse.. we have been to over 100 different doctors and still nothing..Its always tests.... but no answers...
Its getting worse and I have no telling when I may or may not lose my baby sister for good.. I cant do that.. I just cant.. I would give everything in my whole body to make sure she lives.. even if it ment my death.....